unlock the secret to thriving relationships with the enneagram
Everyone wants to experience thriving relationships, don’t they? But so often, we spend more time searching for the secret sauce to better relationships than actually experiencing them. Thriving relationships take work — they don’t always come naturally. From working on ourselves to seeking to understand our people, cultivating better relationships can sometimes feel like a full-time job. Enter the Enneagram. Once I started understanding myself and my most important relationships through the lens of the Enneagram, I was able to know myself and continue to develop more understanding for my most important people. If you’re ready to learn more, then keep reading on how you can take the next step to a better relationship.
What is the Enneagram and why it matters in relationships?
Good question. The Enneagram is a personality typing tool based on our core motivations — or why we do what we do. The Enneagram has 9 different personality types and helps us understand our strengths, how our strengths can get overdone, why we might get stuck in repeated patterns of behavior, and how to understand that our most important people see the world differently than we do. Using the Enneagram to cultivate self-awareness for ourselves and empathy for others, we can find ways to deepen connection and grow in grace with each other.
how each enneagram type shows up in relationships
One of the things I like to say when teaching the Enneagram is that our Enneagram type is like a lens through which we see and interact with the world. With 9 different types, we can see each Enneagram type’s strength and challenges when it comes to relationships:
Type 1 (The Reformer): They have high standards in all things, but especially when it comes to relationships. The seek integrity and can struggle with criticism even when it’s intended to be constructive.
Type 2 (The Helper): Type 2s tend to be generous and nurturing. They can tend to seek significance by helping others in need. They can struggle with identifying their own needs and setting boundaries with others.
Type 3 (The Achiever): Type 3s tend to be goal-oriented and ambitious. They focus on being admired and respected — so success and achievement become very important to them. When their strengths are overdone, they may prioritize work and success over emotional needs.
Type 4 (The Individualist): Type 4s are dialed into their feelings and can be deeply emotional. They crave authenticity and the gift they bring the rest of us is their comfort and being with us during grief and sadness. They may struggle with feeling like there is something fundamental missing inside of them (that everyone else has) and you may notice mood swings in your type 4 relationship.
Type 5 (The Investigator): Type 5s can be thoughtful and independent. They seek knowledge and can easily apply wisdom to the problem at hand. They start their day with only 20% of their battery charged (most of us start with 100%) so you may notice your type 5s need to withdraw to recharge and their need to process their feelings on their own.
Type 6 (The Loyalist): As their name implies, type 6s are devoted and loyal to their people. They tend to focus on security and certainty. In relationships, you may notice your type 6 struggling with trust (themselves and others) and a need to be certain. They tend to overthink all the things and you may notice their need to settle their anxiety.
Type 7 (The Enthusiast): Type 7s can be fun-loving and adventurous. It’s important to join in on their adventures when in relationship with them. They have a fear of boredom and being limited so they will seek to keep their options open and use their adventures as a way to avoid deep emotions.
Type 8 (The Challenger): Type 8s value strength and protecting the underdog. They are the most assertive type on the Enneagram and tend to be direct and deal with conflict head on. They will tend to avoid vulnerability which can be a challenge in any relationship. It’s important to speak directly and understand their preferred communication style when engaging in relationship with 8s.
Type 9 (The Peacemaker): Type 9s tend to be easygoing, inclusive and accommodating. They have a knack of putting others at ease and helping us all slow down and enjoy the moment. They struggle with asserting themselves, and knowning that their presence matters. They may avoid conflict so it’s important to be patient when working on challenges in your relationship with them.
Understanding yourself and others through the enneagram
Whether you use the Enneagram or not, it’s important to find a way to understand yourself and others when growing your relationships. Personally, the Enneagram has been a tool to help me understand my own strengths and stressors so that I can show up in an emotionally healthy way in all of my relationships. My awareness of the other types has also helped me cultivate greater compassion and empathy when I realize that my friends and family don’t see the world the same way that I do. It has been an invaluable tool to help me grow in faith and personally.
applying the enneagram to your daily life
If you’re new to the Enneagram, the best place to start is well with you. Identifying your Enneagram type can help you as you seek to understand yourself and how you interact with others. Some quick tips for applying the Enneagram are:
Focus on your core motivation (we can get confused by just focusing on behaviors as many types share similar traits)
Give yourself time to figure it out. (When I was first introduced to the Enneagram, I thought I was a type 9. After months of learning more and observing my own motivations and behavior — I realized after trying on two other types that I was actually a type 3). It can take some time so be patient with yourself and the Enneagram.
When you’re ready to start using with your most important relationships, don’t guess what Enneagram type your spouse, friend, or family member is. The beauty of the Enneagram is that its a journey of self-discovery. Be observant, but leave the typing to your loved one.
Get curious about the rest of the Enneagram types at some level. Understanding the other types can help you approach others with the knowledge that most people do not see and/or focus on the same things we do. This can help us slow down and cultivate empathy for those we love.
While the Enneagram is a great tool for self-awareness and personal growth, it can also be a challenge to find your type. If you’re looking for a place to start learning about the Enneagram, I always recommend Self to Lose, Self to Find by Marilyn Vancil. Written from a Biblical perspective, Marilyn does a great job in explaining each type, discipleship practices for each type, and some tools to help you start applying what you’re learning. And if you’re feeling stuck on finding your Enneagram type, I offer a stand alone typing session to get you started.
